07.07. My alarm goes off. I crawl (and fall) out of my top bunk. Not feeling it. This past week my relationship with Jesus has been so unsteady. Talking about decision making all the time made me really anxious and I felt myself sliding back into old mindsets. Mindsets of a God that’s displeased, sitting with his arms crossed, waiting for me to figure out what is hindering me from being a better person. Mindsets of a God who is always tired of me, even though I try the to the best of my ability. What these mindsets are shouting is, that I don’t always understand the concept of grace.
I know what it’s about, but often times it seems like my heart refuses to accept it. These weeks have definitely been a mix of emotions. When I’m in the prayer chapel, it goes from crying on the couch, throwing my fists in the floor, yelling at God and then dancing till it feels like I’m flying, soaring on the joy of my Lord. If you read my journal you would think I’m bi polar…
Going through the characteristics of a godly leader and godly decisions almost paralyzed me. What if I do the wrong thing? Then God will have to rebuke me (again) and I’ll feel like a failure. It’ll feed my fear of God, which is not a healthy fear. My fear of God doesn’t come from a realization of his greatness, but a fear of letting him down. That’s… A religious spirit, I assume. During this week I was trying to spend some time with Jesus and I didn’t know what to do. Frustration set in. I was afraid to just blow my quiet time, focus on the wrong thing, not being able to hear what The Lord wanted to say. So, not really expecting an answer, I asked him what he wanted to talk about.
Me, he said. Me. He wanted to remind me of who he is. In my bible there’s a track of different scriptures on God’s character and nature, so I read through some of them. God reminded me, that I’m his delight. That he wants me to know him, and that he loves me. Simple truths.
06.30. My alarm goes off. I’m giving God my morning, so I just sit there for a while. Tell him that it’s frustrating to be frustrated and that I’m sorry. Kindly, he tells me, that I can be all calm with him. It was so clear. He’s my best friend, but sometimes I forget that he is God, and that’s when I get frustrated. And insecure, because I’m afraid that he’s displeased. God is not unstable and unsteady. He is a rock, my rock. I don’t have to worry where he’s at, or if I hurt him, because he’s always right there, looking at me like that emoji with two hearts instead of eyes.
I’m sad to tell you, that the twisted mindset is not defeated yet. I keep crawling into God’s presence, unsure of what to expect. That’s not how I want to approach my father. Psalm 100 says.
Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.
That’s how I want to live. I know he’s good and I have nothing to fear. All I can do is to ask for his help and be grateful that he has taught me to recognize it when these lies come over me and clouds my view.