The first weeks after leaving LA have been a lot of fun and I had so much joy knowing that the Lord was actively with me, talking and providing everything I needed. Then, coming home from ten months in YWAM I just told everybody that I was probably going to work for a while. That seems like the logical thing to do, ey?
Before I was going to look for a job I went to spend a week at camp in Norway, and on the way I asked God what He had for me there. “Your kingdom’s fall”. Cool, I thought, and didn’t really think more of it. Then I came home from Norway and started looking at job ads. Last night, as I was sending out applications, but felt… uneasy. Deep down, I knew that I hadn’t sat down with Jesus and honestly asked Him what He wanted to do with my life now. And yes, I did write what He wanted to do with my life.
Over the last year, I have told Him – over and over – that my life belongs to Him, but I realized that I wasn’t acting as if I really meant that. Currently I am really broke and I still want to travel more, so I had gotten fixed on just getting a job and a pay check. I agree that it doesn’t necessarily sound like a bad idea or something God wouldn’t have me do, the problem was that I hadn’t heard those instructions from Him. I had heard them from my own fears.
Fear of having nothing to do, fear of having no money and fear that God just wouldn’t speak to me. I got so convicted when I finally saw that I had just taken control in order to feel secure and look like a reasonable person. After everything I’ve learned lately, I don’t know how I could think that God wouldn’t speak to me. I fooled myself by asking what He wanted me to do, but I think I gave Him options instead of just listening to His guidance. As if I knew better than Him..
Just a few days ago I was on the phone with my friend, Taylor, and she prayed for me that I would have a moment of crying and being real with Jesus. I definitely had that last night. As I poured out my heart to Him and begged Him to take over, I felt such joy filling me up from the inside. The road I’ve been longing to travel is the road where the Word of God is a lamp to my feet, not my own road where I put up big spotlights that shine on my future plans.
Now, please, hear me out – I’m not saying that getting a job would be out of God’s will. The Holy Spirit just convinced me that getting a job just for the sake of getting a job, isn’t really living by faith. When I haven’t even done an effort to ask for God’s opinion and heard Him tell me what to do – or even tell me that I get to choose – I really shouldn’t just dive head first into the applications. I feared that he would leave me hanging, but that contradicting His very own words – “He will never leave you, nor forsake you” (Deut 31:6). Following God sometimes looks like hectic fundraising to go back for a secondary school in Los Angeles (so thankful I got to do that!) and sometimes it looks like working your butt off – but it never looks like doing anything because I want to have control. That’s promoting my own kingdom. Won’t work if I keep praying “your Kingdom come“. He wants the best for us anywas, and if we let him be king it takes off so much pressure and leaves us with total satisfaction in every situation, since he always is enough. He’s God almighty and way better at making decisions that me. My kingdom has to fall, because there is only one king, and that’s Jesus. Not me.
